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Bill Clinton
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happend to you?" asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."
19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."
20 Ways to Have Fun with a Telemarketer
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
A Response to Telemarketers
I get so sick of those telephone people calling all the time. "Yes this is Associates Credit and we want ..." Well, here is an effective way to get them to quit calling.
Caller: Hello this is (company or item being sold) and we would
like to speak to (whoever). Are they available?
Me: Yeah. (Long silence) You wanna talk to em?
Caller: Um, Yes please. Thank you.
Me: Well, I'm not gonna give them the phone. (I was about 13 when I tried this)
Caller: Little girl, let me speak with you mother or ...
Me: Or what?
Caller: I just ..."
Me: hang on please ...
Caller: (mumbling) finally ... I hate kids ...
Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten minutes, picks up phone and to my surprise she is still there, disguise my voice) Hello, this is (whoever), may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I am from -
Me: Hold please
Caller: (sigh)
Me: (no longer disguising my voice but faking crying ten minutes later) I have no friends ... it would be nice to have a friend, seeing how persistent you are, maybe you would like to be my friend??
Caller: (exasperated) LET ME SPEAK WITH YOUR MOTHER!!
Me: UGH ok!
Caller: Jeez ...
Me: (leaves phone unattended for ten more minutes, disguises voice) Hello I'm back, I was in the bathroom. I have had this terrible pain in my stomach and it makes me -
Caller: MA'AM!! Hello, I am from (company) and I was -
Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Caller: Ma'am?? Ma'am is everything alright???? Ma'am!!
Me: Sorry, I saw what I thought saw a bug. It was an old raisin. Do you like raisins? I like em, they do give me gas sometimes and -
Caller: Mrs. (whoever) I am from (company) and I was wondering -
Me: Why did you interrupt me? That was rude. I was just going to tell you that raisins get stuck in my teeth sometimes and my husband gets dia -
Caller: Ma'am I really am not interested in what happens when you eat raisins and -
Me: I am really not interested in whatever you want to sell me... (no longer disguising my voice)
Caller: YOU! Please, I am begging you let me talk to your mother...
Me: Oh ... She is not here. But, I still have no friends and...:-)
Caller: OGHUGHG!! (hangs up LOUDLY)
***** The funniest part of the story is my mother was sitting next to me the whole time holding another phone, listening to the whole thing .....
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